Rebel Regression Part IV: The Hypnosis
- purple_peril_
- Oct 2, 2023
- 11 min read
Updated: Sep 15, 2024
Rebel Regression Part IV:
Or; ‘No one took a picture of me’ and The Triple Crisis
Music fades back in:
‘Wolf’, SNYL Noidor, featuring Bonnie Spacey, Kiko Remix
The Blue Curtain:
Or; Re-Enter the Glamourtits Imperative
Revenge!
So then, Nisha-Sara-Nisha, you think you’re going to have a set of pictures taken, do you?
How naïve!
I think not.
Queen Glamourtits has officially announced that I’m the main attraction today.
Main attraction!
I’m the first in the camera-queue and, it so happens, I’m armed with a technologically advanced ‘queue-jumper’ monitoring device.
So no pushing-in!
Had that piece of kit wired on-board ever since I was a toddler.
I’m hogging the photographers today.
I’m here to stay!
…
‘Ah, Faaaarrrukh! How are you?’
‘Ah, Peril. Hey. How are you? You well?’
‘Yes. Come and have a Gin ‘n Tonic!’ [Beckons] ‘May I tempt you?’
‘Well, well, that’s very nice, thank you.’
‘Fabulous. A Gin ‘n Tonic is very important. Relaxes the nerves, you know. Enables one to take the day in one’s stride. Approach everything calmly.’
‘Ah, always nice to talk to you, Peril. Lovely. Yes, I’ll have a drink but, later, I have some pictures I must…’
‘Indeed you do! Of course. I’m sensitive to that. It’s your professional calling! That’s why it’s always important to take your time with the first Gin ‘n Tonic, don’t you think?’ [purple peril smiles]
[Hypnotically] ‘…Enables one to approach ev-ery-thing sloooow-ly? Enables one to feel in control.’ [Looks into Farrukh’s eyes] ‘Enables one to focus on the main attraction!’
[Pause]
‘Come this way!’
…
[20 minutes elapse]
‘Well, that was very nice, Peril.’
[Farrukh looks over from the bar towards the blue-curtained changing area.]
‘Well, Peril, thank you. I think Nish-‘
[purple peril swivels round just in time to spot Nisha-Sara-Nisha diving behind a blue curtain]
‘Did you know that Glamourtits wants lots of pictures of well-dressed gentleman today?’ [Pause] ‘Gentleman. She said it was the priority!’
‘Really?’
‘Yes! It’s a bit embarrassing. You know how humble and unassuming I can be? But Glamourtits said that I, yes – me, should get lots of pictures taken of this suit. Me! Yes, me! She said it was essential. This is high-profile stuff! I think she wants photos for her newsletter or something.’
‘Oh, well, let’s take some pictures of you!’
‘Really? Me? Oh, you flatter to deceive!’
[Farrukh waits for an answer]
[Innocently] ‘”Will you enforce me to a world of cares?”’
‘It’s a great suit, Peril.’
[Reluctantly] ‘”I am not made of stone. Since you will buckle fortune on my back, I must have patience to bear the load!”
[Pause]
‘Shakespeare again, Peril?’
‘Richard the Turd! So, if you’re feeling up to the task, we’ll probably need to spend quite some time on these photos. Let’s get them right. I wouldn’t like to be in Glamourtits’ bad books, would you? She might get cross. Let’s get these right for her! It’s a hell of a responsibility, if you think about it! We mustn’t disappoint. We must – take our time.’
[purple peril sniggers]
…
Delays, diversions, deferrals, detainments, and derailments!
Aha!
Oh, ‘dilatory time’!
Oh distractions and disturbances!
Oh, you dastardly fox!
You can change your costume, Nisha-Sara-Nisha, be my guest, you can change.
But no one’s snapping that costume while I’m the main obstruction!
…
[The scene resumes by the blue curtains on the raised left platform.]
‘Well, well, well, Faruukh! Where shall I pose? What’s the best, erm, light?’
[purple peril deliberately stands right in front of the changing room where Nisha-Sara-Nisha is changing, efficiently blocking ingress and egress]
‘About here? Any good?’
‘Looks good, Peril!’
[Farrukh takes a photo]
‘Great! Can I have a look?’
[Pause]
‘Ooh dear. Ooh dear. That’s my fault entirely there. Nothing wrong with your artistry, nothing wrong at all. But I do blink! I’m a right blinker! Actually I look a bit contorted in general. Chin here. Neck there. Nose, where? Odd, really. I’m not very photogenic, you see? [purple peril speaks loudly] I’m not as photogenic as say, erm, Nisha-Sara-Nisha! So, you see, having my photo taken requires probably about five times the amount of time she needs, to be honest!’
[purple peril hears a sigh from behind the curtain]
Oh. God. This is beautiful! Nisha-Sara-Nisha is waiting.
This is only the beginning.
Or the beginning of the beginning.
Or the end of the beginning’s beginning end.
‘Another pose then, Peril?’
[Earnestly] ‘Farrukh? I know I’m in the right position, but are you? It’s worth considering. If I come back over and check your angles of vision it would be reassuring. I don’t want any LBB background details to distract from the main attraction, you see?’
‘I understand.’
‘Yes, yes. Pure aesthetics for Glamourtits today! ’
[Pause]
‘Hmm, yes, yes, yes. Perhaps if you advance a couple of metres? Yes, that’s satisfactory. Thanks, Farrukh.’
[Farrukh takes a photograph]
‘Let me see. Let me see. Quality check!’
[Pause]
‘Hmm. Not bad, not bad at all, but it’s certainly not your best work. I have the feeling that Glamourtits not only requires but expects your best work today! Ooh dear. Ooh dear. She won’t be happy with that one at all. Look at those reflections. Just there? We better get this just right. Better work as a team. Think this through. We need another shot. Or maybe a whole sequence of shots?’
[purple peril hears a louder sigh from behind the curtain]
‘Well, Peril. We can take another!’
‘I think we should, Farrukh, I think we should!’
[Farrukh takes a photograph]
‘Gotcha!’
‘Oh dear! I’m holding a G‘nT in that one. LBB punters will think I’m an old soak!’
[Pause]
‘What a shame! I’m so sorry, Farrukh! Oh, what a muddle! I wouldn’t make any of these mistakes if I was a professional model, would I? Silly me! I feel terrible for wasting your time.’
[An even longer, louder, rather pointed sigh from behind the curtain]
‘But where to put it? Where to put this G’NT down? Hmmm. There’s the dilemma! It’s extraordinary that life should be so complex!’
‘Just down there.’
‘Here?’
‘There.’
‘Where?’
‘There.’
‘Oh, here?’
‘Yes.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes.’
‘We better get this one right, Farrukh. We can’t keep Glamourtits waiting. She might be getting impatient! She might wish to see immediate results! You see, on one hand she needs quality, and on the other hand, she needs to see we’ve got the job in hand. That we're getting on with it! We’ll need to discuss the next shot carefully and yet, hmm, we need to do it quickly. Oh dear, we really are caught between the devil and the deep-blue suit!’
[purple peril sniggers]
[A loud rustle and a banging of objects is heard from behind the curtain]
Oh, this is delicious!
N-S-N so near and yet so far from a camera!
[purple peril sniggers]
‘Ready?’
‘Right-ho!’
[Farrukh takes a photo]
‘Ok. Inspection time!’
[Pause]
‘Oooh, that’s nice. Very good work!’
[Farrukh flashes a smile of half-satisfaction and half-relief]
‘I’ve got an idea! We must celebrate! How about a Gin ‘n Tonic?’
‘That’s very kind but Nish-‘
‘But I insist! A work of this quality needs festive ritual! Mark the occasion? If we don’t do that, Glamourtits might get upset. Come on. Let’s jump to it! G‘nT time!’
‘But-‘
‘Farrukh?’
[Long pause]
‘I insist.’
[Pause]
[Firmly] ‘She insists!’
[purple peril remains glued to Farrukh at an acute angle for the rest of the day,- like the GPS monitor in ‘Dead Space II’]
…
Musicool Interludicool:
‘Tornado Warning’, Curses:
…
Crisis The First:
Always Outnumbered, Totally Outgunned
[Time: April 11th. Setting: A Laptop.]
Ooh, look! The LBB photos are up on Facebook!
294 photos?
That’s odd.
I don’t recall Farrukh taking 294 photos of me.
I can’t be in all of them.
A significant proportion though.
Maybe some events passed me by?
Very possible.
[Pause]
Aaah! I’ve got it!
Farrukh must’ve used his high-speed automatic shutter!
[Pause]
Right, let’s have a look.
Let’s have a look at me in action!
[Scrolls]
Hmm.
No photos of me yet.
[Troubled] Looks as though Farrukh has exercised a certain degree of unwarranted freedom here.
Hmm.
A certain liberty away from the main attraction.
He’s gone off-piste.
That’s a concern.
[Scrolls]
What?
6 photos of Nisha-Sara-Nisha!
When did these happen?
6!
I haven’t even made an appearance yet!
[Scrolls]
[Pause]
Aah, here I am!
There I am.
Little me.
What a lovely lovely lovely-lovely-lovely lovely lovely boy!
Lovely.
4 photos.
Hmm.
Must be some more of me later.
Nothing to worry about.
Let’s scroll.
[Flicks]
What?
6 more photos of Nisha-Sara-Nisha!
How did those happen?
I think I might have taken my eye off the ball.
Farrukh did too, by the looks of things.
12 photos to 4 photos?
Hmm.
Ok.
It will all tilt back in my favour soon.
No doubt.
Must have saved the best ones till last.
[Scrolls]
What?
7 more photos of Nisha-Sara-Nisha in a Paris Ricci tag-team-tandem!
How the flying fu--…?
[Pause]
[Slowly] … did these happen?
I told you she was a sneaky one, didn’t I?
The outrage!
[Pause]
Outmanoeuvred.
And outgunned.
Thoroughly outgunned.
[Pause]
19 photos to 4!
[purple peril stops scrolling in a lengthy stunned silence. In an attempt to distract himself from confronting the truth, he opens a new tab and reads the football scores, slowly]
Internazionale 2 Lazio 2
Roma 0 Napoli 0
AC Milan 1 Juventus 1
Atalanta 0 Fiorentina 0
Nisha-Sara-Nisha 19 purple peril 4
[Dismayed] This revenge mission is a total failure!
Going on the attack is a humiliating defeat.
Better learn Catenaccio.
I thought I was supposed to be the main attraction?
What happened to all that?
Tag-team-tandem.
2 against 1.
They’re ganging up on me.
They are.
That’s not fair play.
That’s like bringing on a second star striker 5 minutes before the final whistle.
I can’t compete against the Goth scene’s goal-scoring female equivalent of Giuseppe Meazza, can I?
Life is so unfair!
I’m gonna report those two to Glamourtits, I am!
I am.
I tell you, she’s not gonna be very happy.
Those two are gonna get a such a stern telling off, they are!
They are!
Serves 'em right!
Ha!
…
Musicool Interludicool:
‘Girls’, The Prodigy featuring The Ping Pong Bitches
…
Crisis The Second:
Or;- To Harley Street and Back
[purple peril resumes scrolling with weary resignation]
Albert’s got himself in more photos than me.
Quite a few more, actually.
And he isn’t wearing any clothes. 1
Not a thing.
Maybe it’s because he isn’t wearing any clothes?
I missed out on this ruse!
I’m way behind the curve.
I’ll turn up naked next time.
Ditch the elaborate suits!
Might save me a pretty penny.
Might need to go to the gym though.
Maybe get some cosmetic surgery done too?
Make it look a bit bigger?
[Pause]
Oh, very funny!
Stop that, you ruffians.
I didn’t mean that.
No, I didn’t.
Don’t you think I’m hurt enough at being totally trounced: 19 photographs to 4?
And you lot start laughing at the size of my-
[Pause]
[Slowly] I was talking about relative proportion.
Art, darling, art.
And all you can think about is –
[Pause]
Look:
If I go body-building, in relative terms it will look smaller.
Relative proportion.
See?
You know, a sort of optical trick.
I need to keep everything in balance.
If I go body-building, there’s a danger I’ll lose my Neoclassical edge.
I’ll have to have it resized.
I’d be an aesthetic laughing-stock if I didn’t!
I’d be all incongruous.
[Pause]
I better explain all this to the cosmetic surgeon.
Harley Street job.
Have to be.
Can’t be too careful.
[Pause]
[Optimistically] Just imagine if it came out unexpectedly big?
[Pessimistically] Might end up on Botched Up.
Arriving on crutches for extra support.
Mind you, I bet featuring on that show would give me a lot more exposure than I’ve achieved here!
Fame.
Fame, yes, fame!
There’s always an up-side!
[purple peril starts singing ‘Fame’ in his best David Bowie voice, dances, arms pulling angular geometric shapes]
Fame (fame)
Makes a man take things over Fame (fame)
Lets him lose hard to swallow
[Repeats] Fame lets him lose hard.
Hmm.
Shit.
No way.
Harley Street, it is!
I’m not taking any risks, big or small.
[Pause]
Actually, this operation is sounding more expensive than commissioning a new suit.
Might need a loan.
Quite an investment.
A hell of an investment just to get yourself featured in a few more LBB photos.
[Pause]
I could be over-reacting.
[Pause]
Maybe I’m blowing something out of proportion?
[Pause]
No need to make a show of it.
[Pause]
…
Musicool Interludicool:
'Pity for the Self', Poesie Noire (Dubhouser)
Crisis The Third:
Or;- ‘Even-Handed Justice’
[purple peril resumes scrolling absent-mindedly]
Wait a minute.
There’s a little comment here from The Merry Prongster.
Hold on.
[In a lightning-bolt of profound revelation] There aren’t any pictures of The Prongster!
No way!
Maybe not-so-merry?
That’s exactly what she’s saying in this comment!
‘Really great album of photos but no one took a picture of me.’
‘No one took a picture of me.’
No one took a picture of The Prongster!
How dare they?
Shit!
We’ve got a whole horizon of mischief that’s been left unrecorded!
[Sternly] I’m gonna have words with Farrukh about this.
[The clause ‘No one took a picture of me’ repeats in purple peril’s head in an endless delay of pure terrifying guilt]
Oh no. Oh no.
This is a fucking disaster.
It’s my fault!
In my noble attempt to sabotage Nisha-Sara-Nisha, I’ve ended up totally obliterating The Prongster!
Major backfire:
…in these cases
We still have judgment here — that we but teach
Bloody instructions, which, being taught, return
To plague the inventor. This even-handed justice
Commends the ingredients of our poisoned chalice
To our own lips.
Oh, plague!
Plague upon me!
[Aside to Nisha and Paris] A plague on both your blouses!
Hamartia!
Harmed by hamartia!
[Pause]
Hold on!
Glamourtits told me to get photos!
It’s all her fault.
[In desperation] Blame her!
Her fault.
It is.
[purple peril points accusingly in repeated automatic-machine-gun bursts]
Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t.
Is!
[Pause]
Ooh, that’s a cowardly way out, that is!
Might get myself in even more trouble!
I better not mess with Glamourtits.
That way madness lies.
Fuck.
I know!
I'll blame Charlotte TG instead!
That should be scanned.
Ooh, you're playing with fire here.
[purple peril goes to the kitchen and experiences a lengthy attack of hysteria. In a piteous act of self-sabotage he rearranges all the contents of the spice rack into a random order]
I can’t fight against these odds.
‘O God of battles!’
How to atone?
[purple peril goes on his knees in humble supplication like that Henry the 5th bloke the night before The Battle of Agincourt.]
[Imitating Kenneth Branagh] ‘Oooooh, not tooooooodaaaaay, oh, not tooooooodaaaaay!’
More will I do; Though all that I can do is nothing worth, Since that my penitence comes after all, Imploring pardon.
Pardon?
What?
What the fuck’s he talking about?
[Pause]
There’s only one thing for it!
Yes, that’s it!
Apologise!
Apologise to Mrs Prong.
Own up!
Confess, my boy, confess!
Con-fess!
Humiliate yourself once more!
Yes!
That’s it.
Great idea!
I knew I’d come up with a plan.
Just needed one of my flashes of insightful thinking!
…
What shall I wear to the party tonight?
Musi-fucking-cool Outerludicool
‘She’s in Parties’, Dave Clarke featuring The Chicks on Speed
[to be continued, sideways…]
Coming up, later this week;-
Part V; The Grand Anti-Climax
1. Oh, Hubris! Oh, Vanitas!
2.Rebel Redemption [The True Ending]
3.In the Court of Queen Glamourtits [The False Ending. The Falsely True Ending. The Truly True Ending.]
The Foolish Footnotes
1 You'll notice, if you have been diligent enough to cross-check, that this is a complete lie. Albert appears to be wearing a variety of costumes but they are certainly more revealing than mine. [Return
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