Episode 7: Alfreds, from Individuals, Eccentrics, Weirdos, Monsters, Pests, Creeps, and Alfreds.

[...continued]

They’ve got an entry policy but do they have an exit policy?

Are you allowed to go out a ‘creep’?

Oh, God, I feel awful. And old. I think I might be turning into…

An Alfred

It’s just as well I met Aarron O’Connor and Jxn Coco earlier. (1)

They made me feel young again!

Meeting them turns out to be the highlight of my evening; and I’m meaning no disrespect to those of you who represent dynamic archetypal obstacles in my evening’s social encounters.

‘They’re the BEST’, says Miss Fortune, - whose insight about people is a matter hermetically sealed; a matter which I choose not to mention here, because it is hermetically sealed.

No; stop - I won’t be drawn on this. It is a matter hermetically sealed.

Sealed.

Hermetically.

…

‘You’re just outta practice’, says Ruthy, ‘Pandemic, innit?’

But, Ruthy:

I'm losing my edge. I'm losing my edge. The kids are coming up from behind. (2)

…

‘I’m such an Alfred, Nicole.’

Now, I don’t know if you know about Nicole, but she’s also a previous partner, as important to me as Emmeline, and, for some reason, has been as patiently understanding and tolerant of me as Em has through the course of many years. What I did to deserve going out with those two women and keeping them as friends long-term, bewilders the gods, but there it is. (And that’s not to say a word about my sister, my parents, Rob, Chris and Tasha, of their tolerance of my many human flaws.)

I really felt like an Alfred when, after an almost decade of absence from the TG spectacle that I love so much and is deep within my heart, I decided to get back in by joining TG Social as one of my many re-pincers. (3)

I said to Nicole:

‘Oh, Nic. I sent Charlotte TG a friend request, you know, just as a friend, but she hasn’t responded.’

‘Oh, don’t worry. She probably hasn’t seen it. Probably busy.’

‘You might be right. But what happens if she thinks I’m being weird. I mean, I didn’t mean it in that way. You know, just as a friend.’

‘Oh, God, Peril- you worry too much. You overthink things.’

‘Yeah, but I’ve been away for a few years, she might think I’ve gone doo-lally. Oh, Nicole, I’m so helpless, I’m so hopeless, what do I do?

‘Oh come on, Charlotte knows you. For God’s sake!’

‘Hmm.’

So a couple of months later, at September TG I say to Charlotte TG:

‘Hey, hey, hey Charlotte. How’s it going? I’m sooo sorry about the TG Social thing. I just sent you a request as a friend not in a weird way, you know?’

‘Aw. That’s fine, Peril. I know you’re alright.’

A few more conversational turns of my insecure probing:

Turns out she didn’t see it, after all.

Well, it takes a little bit of déjà vu not to learn your lesson.

Then to the elements, be free! (4)

…

Whichever way, an aged man might be paltry but soul must clap its hands and sing and louder sing for every tatter in its mortal dress! (5)

And therefore, I shall sail the seas and come to the unholy city of…

Monster Queeeeeen! Yay!

Jxn’s mega-chatty, Aaron, mega-enigmatic. Both, lovely.

‘I told you!’, says Miss Fortune.

‘You did!

Bring it the fuck on!

I can dance to Jxn Coco and cheer on Miss Fortune!

Probably won’t be much different to my night at Wraith, actually, cheering on misfortune. Well, I shall be buckled.

Now, what to wear for Monster Queen? ‘You can wear that,’ says Jxn, pointing to my Aubrey Beardsley suit. I could.

But then I’d be instantly recognisable. I’d be recognisable as the overpolite clumsy bloke who heralds the birth of more conversational disasters than Pandora’s Box. I might as well turn up to Monster Queen wearing a cautionary sign, ‘Don’t talk to me. I’m a fuckwit!’

Actually, in latex, that might be quite a good idea. Très Situationist!

Maybe be too confrontational? Maybe playing the victim? Maybe too self-indulgent?

Or maybe get a provocative signpost:

‘Here comes the new stylish crrrreeep.’ (6)

Maybe I could wear something I pick up randomly at the London Boutique Bazaar tomorrow? Nope. Not moving. Too wasted!

‘Oh, I grow old, I grow old.’ (7)

Ooh, I know what to wear!

‘I shall wear the bottom of my trousers rolled…’ (8)

Well, it’s just as well that I’m…

An Individual (9)

...

Coda

Black lace face mask

Black lace body suit

Lips fingertips

…

Let’s fly far and hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. (10)

Dedication (11)

With love, to the person who changed my life, Emmeline May. xxx

The Footnotes that you won't read.

An Alfred Footnotes:

1 These two are adorable. I’m particularly indebted to Jxn who kept me dancing until the lights came up on him at 06:10 at the FFFrenzy and his superb set introducing Boy Harsher a few months later, a gig attended by another DJ who I love, Rest My Chemistry. [Return]

2 LCD Soundsystem, ‘Losing My Edge’ (Output/DFA: 2002). [Return]

3 I quite like TG Social but there is a lot of chat about what kind of coffee you like so I’m not particularly surprised if Charlotte hasn’t checked her account for a while; it might have 3348 missed messages appearing and, my gut feeling is, that she might have more important things to attend. [Return]

4 The Tempest, 5.1. 315-316, 2nd ed., ed. David Lindley, (Cambridge University Press: Cambridge, 2013). [Return]

5. W.B. Yeats, ‘Sailing to Byzantium’, 1928. [Return]

6 LCD Soundsystem, ‘Disco Infiltrator’, from LCD Soundsystem (DFA/EMI: London, 2005). [Return]

7 T.S. Eliot, ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, from The Poems of T.S. Eliot, eds. Christopher Ricks and Jim McCue (Faber and Faber: London, 2015), pp. 5-9. [Return]

8. T.S. Eliot, ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, from The Poems of T.S. Eliot, eds. Christopher Ricks and Jim McCue (Faber and Faber: London, 2015), pp. 5-9. [Return]

9. This narrative cyclic gag of inverting ends and beginnings of tales is partially inspired by the punchline of Portnoy’s Complaint by Philip Roth. The hero, Alexander Portnoy, suffers from the struggle between altruistic impulses and polymorphously perverse sexual desires. Sound familiar? I do find it amusing that Portnoy shares the same Christian name with a very good friend of mine, who just so happens to be right here, as I’m writing this sentence, standing as part-witness and part confession-box-absolver. [Return]

10 Far and High, ‘Mannequin’, (Traxsource, 2022). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZRobihNcxo&list=RDHZRobihNcxo&start_radio=1

Return]

11 I’m breaking the convention of placing the ‘Dedication’ first out of respect to my previous partner, Emmeline May. She wrote a very famous blog, ‘Tea and Consent’ that was then adapted into a video and used for training members of of the Surrey police force and social workers to help them understand the nature of sexual assault. I do not, in any way, in dedicating this to her, wish to be perceived to be appropriating her hard work, creativity, and talent, for writing such an important ethical document of the 21st Century. [Return]