Rebel Regression Part V: The Triple Crisis
- purple_peril_
- May 8, 2024
- 6 min read
Updated: Sep 15, 2024
Musicool Interludicool:
‘Tornado Warning’, Curses:
…
Crisis The First:
Always Outnumbered, Totally Outgunned
[Time: April 11th. Setting: A Laptop.]
Ooh, look! The LBB photos are up on Facebook!
294 photos?
That’s odd.
I don’t recall Farrukh taking 294 photos of me.
I can’t be in all of them.
A significant proportion though.
Maybe some events passed me by?
Very possible.
[Pause]
Aaah! I’ve got it!
Farrukh must’ve used his high-speed automatic shutter!
[Pause]
Right, let’s have a look.
Let’s have a look at me in action!
[Scrolls]
Hmm.
No photos of me yet.
[Troubled] Looks as though Farrukh has exercised a certain degree of unwarranted freedom here.
Hmm.
A certain liberty away from the main attraction.
He’s gone off-piste.
That’s a concern.
[Scrolls]
What?
6 photos of Nisha-Sara-Nisha!
When did these happen?
6!
I haven’t even made an appearance yet!
[Scrolls]
[Pause]
Aah, here I am!
There I am.
Little me.
What a lovely lovely lovely-lovely-lovely lovely lovely boy!
Lovely.
4 photos.
Hmm.
Must be some more of me later.
Nothing to worry about.
Let’s scroll.
[Flicks]
What?
6 more photos of Nisha-Sara-Nisha!
How did those happen?
I think I might have taken my eye off the ball.
Farrukh did too, by the looks of things.
12 photos to 4 photos?
Hmm.
Ok.
It will all tilt back in my favour soon.
No doubt.
Must have saved the best ones till last.
[Scrolls]
What?
7 more photos of Nisha-Sara-Nisha in a Paris Ricci tag-team-tandem!
How the flying fu--…?
[Pause]
[Slowly] … did these happen?
I told you she was a sneaky one, didn’t I?
The outrage!
[Pause]
Outmanoeuvred.
And outgunned.
Thoroughly outgunned.
[Pause]
19 photos to 4!
[purple peril stops scrolling in a lengthy stunned silence. In an attempt to distract himself from confronting the truth, he opens a new tab and reads the football scores, slowly]
Internazionale 2 Lazio 2
Roma 0 Napoli 0
AC Milan 1 Juventus 1
Atalanta 0 Fiorentina 0
Nisha-Sara-Nisha 19 purple peril 4
[Dismayed] This revenge mission is a total failure!
Going on the attack is a humiliating defeat.
Better learn Catenaccio.
I thought I was supposed to be the main attraction?
What happened to all that?
Tag-team-tandem.
2 against 1.
They’re ganging up on me.
They are.
That’s not fair play.
That’s like bringing on a second star striker 5 minutes before the final whistle.
I can’t compete against the Goth scene’s goal-scoring female equivalent of Giuseppe Meazza, can I?
Life is so unfair!
I’m gonna report those two to Glamourtits, I am!
I am.
I tell you, she’s not gonna be very happy.
Those two are gonna get a such a stern telling off, they are!
They are!
Serves 'em right!
Ha!
…
Musicool Interludicool:
‘Girls’, The Prodigy featuring The Ping Pong Bitches
…
Crisis The Second:
Or;- To Harley Street and Back
[purple peril resumes scrolling with weary resignation]
Albert’s got himself in more photos than me.
Quite a few more, actually.
And he isn’t wearing any clothes. 1
Not a thing.
Maybe it’s because he isn’t wearing any clothes?
I missed out on this ruse!
I’m way behind the curve.
I’ll turn up naked next time.
Ditch the elaborate suits!
Might save me a pretty penny.
Might need to go to the gym though.
Maybe get some cosmetic surgery done too?
Make it look a bit bigger?
[Pause]
Oh, very funny!
Stop that, you ruffians.
I didn’t mean that.
No, I didn’t.
Don’t you think I’m hurt enough at being totally trounced: 19 photographs to 4?
And you lot start laughing at the size of my-
[Pause]
[Slowly] I was talking about relative proportion.
Art, darling, art.
And all you can think about is –
[Pause]
Look:
If I go body-building, in relative terms it will look smaller.
Relative proportion.
See?
You know, a sort of optical trick.
I need to keep everything in balance.
If I go body-building, there’s a danger I’ll lose my Neoclassical edge.
I’ll have to have it resized.
I’d be an aesthetic laughing-stock if I didn’t!
I’d be all incongruous.
[Pause]
I better explain all this to the cosmetic surgeon.
Harley Street job.
Have to be.
Can’t be too careful.
[Pause]
[Optimistically] Just imagine if it came out unexpectedly big?
[Pessimistically] Might end up on Botched Up.
Arriving on crutches for extra support.
Mind you, I bet featuring on that show would give me a lot more exposure than I’ve achieved here!
Fame.
Fame, yes, fame!
There’s always an up-side!
[purple peril starts singing ‘Fame’ in his best David Bowie voice, dances, arms pulling angular geometric shapes]
Fame (fame)
Makes a man take things over Fame (fame)
Lets him lose hard to swallow
[Repeats] Fame lets him lose hard.
Hmm.
Shit.
No way.
Harley Street, it is!
I’m not taking any risks, big or small.
[Pause]
Actually, this operation is sounding more expensive than commissioning a new suit.
Might need a loan.
Quite an investment.
A hell of an investment just to get yourself featured in a few more LBB photos.
[Pause]
I could be over-reacting.
[Pause]
Maybe I’m blowing something out of proportion?
[Pause]
No need to make a show of it.
[Pause]
…
Musicool Interludicool:
'Pity for the Self', Poesie Noire (Dubhouser)
Crisis The Third:
Or;- ‘Even-Handed Justice’
[purple peril resumes scrolling absent-mindedly]
Wait a minute.
There’s a little comment here from The Merry Prongster.
Hold on.
[In a lightning-bolt of profound revelation] There aren’t any pictures of The Prongster!
No way!
Maybe not-so-merry?
That’s exactly what she’s saying in this comment!
‘Really great album of photos but no one took a picture of me.’
‘No one took a picture of me.’
No one took a picture of The Prongster!
How dare they?
Shit!
We’ve got a whole horizon of mischief that’s been left unrecorded!
[Sternly] I’m gonna have words with Farrukh about this.
[The clause ‘No one took a picture of me’ repeats in purple peril’s head in an endless delay of pure terrifying guilt]
Oh no. Oh no.
This is a fucking disaster.
It’s my fault!
In my noble attempt to sabotage Nisha-Sara-Nisha, I’ve ended up totally obliterating The Prongster!
Major backfire:
…in these cases
We still have judgment here — that we but teach
Bloody instructions, which, being taught, return
To plague the inventor. This even-handed justice
Commends the ingredients of our poisoned chalice
To our own lips.
Oh, plague!
Plague upon me!
[Aside to Nisha and Paris] A plague on both your blouses!
Hamartia!
Harmed by hamartia!
[Pause]
Hold on!
Glamourtits told me to get photos!
It’s all her fault.
[In desperation] Blame her!
Her fault.
It is.
[purple peril points accusingly in repeated automatic-machine-gun bursts]
Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t. Is. Isn’t.
Is!
[Pause]
Ooh, that’s a cowardly way out, that is!
Might get myself in even more trouble!
I better not mess with Glamourtits.
That way madness lies.
Fuck.
I know!
I'll blame Charlotte TG instead!
That should be scanned.
Ooh, you're playing with fire here.
[purple peril goes to the kitchen and experiences a lengthy attack of hysteria. In a piteous act of self-sabotage he rearranges all the contents of the spice rack into a random order]
I can’t fight against these odds.
‘O God of battles!’
How to atone?
[purple peril goes on his knees in humble supplication like that Henry the 5th bloke the night before The Battle of Agincourt.]
[Imitating Kenneth Branagh] ‘Oooooh, not tooooooodaaaaay, oh, not tooooooodaaaaay!’
More will I do; Though all that I can do is nothing worth, Since that my penitence comes after all, Imploring pardon.
Pardon?
What?
What the fuck’s he talking about?
[Pause]
There’s only one thing for it!
Yes, that’s it!
Apologise!
Apologise to Mrs Prong.
Own up!
Confess, my boy, confess!
Con-fess!
Humiliate yourself once more!
Yes!
That’s it.
Great idea!
I knew I’d come up with a plan.
Just needed one of my flashes of insightful thinking!
…
What shall I wear to the party tonight?
Musi-fucking-cool Outerludicool
‘She’s in Parties’, Dave Clarke featuring The Chicks on Speed
[to be continued, sideways…]
Coming up, later this week;-
Part V; The Grand Anti-Climax
1. Oh, Hubris! Oh, Vanitas!
2.Rebel Redemption [The True Ending]
3.In the Court of Queen Glamourtits [The False Ending. The Falsely True Ending. The Truly True Ending.]
The Foolish Footnotes
1 You'll notice, if you have been diligent enough to cross-check, that this is a complete lie. Albert appears to be wearing a variety of costumes but they are certainly more revealing than mine. [Return
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